Monday, May 25, 2009

In a room full of people...

At any given time of the day, I am surrounded by people. My family, people in the grocery store, my bosses and so on. I can carry on a conversation with most everyone I encounter, but when it comes down to it, at the end of the day- I feel empty and alone.

I find it hard to fight back the tears as I sit on the sofa, alone, night after night. My house isn't empty, but I have no one to talk to. I hear sounds coming from the other room, but nobody will sit with me and hold my hand. Nobody takes the time to ask me how I am, or why I am crying. Nobody notices that I am, in fact, crying.

I live in a household where I am the caregiver. I am the maid as well as the cook. I am the launderer and the keeper of all things. I am the cleaner of the "ew, the puppy pooped on the floor again!". There was a time when I was a best friend and a lover. Those days are quickly fading.

I have begun to loathe the fact that we chose to move out to the middle of nowhere. It's an amazing place, but so very far away from all the people who could cheer me up and make me feel loved and needed. I wish I were anywhere but here.

Sadly, I will remain in my lonely little world, for any time I try to reach out- I am pushed away. Oddly enough, the thought of venturing out on my own is absolutely terrifying.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Where did it go?

I've noticed in the past few weeks/months that there seems to be something happening in my relationship. Nothing bad, but nothing good at the same time. After thinking about it for a long while, I've come to the conclusion that we've lost that 'falling-in-love' feeling.

No, we're not breaking up, we've just become comfortable or settled as some might call it. I don't like it one bit. I miss the butterflies and the daydreams, the passion and the sleepless nights ;-) and the 'I love yous' that you can't seem to hear enough of. Where did it go? And when did it decide to leave? I wasn't given due notice and never received a good-bye...

I understand that some people live their entire lives being able to feel this way. Like everyday is the first time they've figured out they are in love...I want it to come back. I wasn't finished feeling that way yet.

I wake up everyday thinking it's going to come back, we'll start to get all touchy-feely again, and wink at each other with every passing glance. But instead, I go to sleep feeling neglected and taken advantage of. This isn't how I remember it being in the beginning. I remember having someone stand beside me and help prepare supper. Sitting down and talking to each other. I remember actually going out on the weekends because we'd actually made plans.

So, how do you get it to come back? Is it even possible to get back? Maybe I need to try a little harder. Maybe we need to talk about it. I can't imagine spending the next 50+ years feeling like this. It's a miserable feeling and I'm not diggin' it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

So Tired......

It's funny how your body reacts when you've had little or no sleep for several days. Normally, I go to bed at a decent time and get a fairly good amount of sleep. The last 2 days, however, I've been trying to do as much as I can (as quickly as I can) to help get my case before the judge. I'm in the middle of an ugly custody war and the saddest part about it -is that the divorce was granted over 3 years ago. I'm trying to modify certain things and it's taking it's toll on me.

For instance, in the past 48 hours, I have had a total of 6 hours of sleep. No kidding. My body is acting as if I have the flu right now. I can't recall a period of time (other than when I was pregnant with my daughter) that I ever felt so sick to my stomach. It's physically hard to stand up body wants me to hunch and it's even trying to get me to sit down every few minutes.

This isn't going to work so well for me. It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm already half an hour into a very busy day. There's no time to sit down and fight off a nap and most certainly no time to take a nap, period. Hopefully I'll make it through the day without passing out or throwing up.

I'm pretty sure there's a chance I'll be skipping supper tonight and heading straight for bed.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

*tap* *tap* Is this thing on?

Ok, I decided to go for it and just start's been coming for a while now. There are so many random things I keep locked away in my brain and I'm quickly running out of room :-) I'm not sure how often I'll post (I'm pretty forgetful) but I intend to add to it daily. Wish me luck!