Saturday, December 10, 2011
In late September, I totaled my husband's pickup truck by sliding off the road and hitting a tree. I don't think I've ever experienced anything as scary as that in my entire life. I was driving around a curve in the road when I came upon a stopped school bus. It was the end of the school day and children were getting off to head home. I hit the brakes, but because my feet were wet from walking through a puddle earlier (it had been raining), my foot slipped of the pedal. I hit them again, a bit too hard, and everything locked up. Instinct took over and the wheel turned to the right, towards the woods, instead of towards the young girl crossing the road to my left.
You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes? Well, it kind of does. The image of my children burned bright as the truck spun around and slid closer to the tree. I remember screaming and closing my eyes just before the impact. My last thought was of the baby I'd just had, not even two full months earlier. It just wasn't fair.
I still don't know which sound was worse; the metal shrieking as the driver side door wrapped around the tree, or the glass shattering as both the driver side window and windshield popped. Even now, 2 months later, I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. Nightmares are a nightly occurrence.
I have yet to find a doctor that is willing to help find a medicine to control my anxiety attacks. I have a hard time driving, and even normal everyday stuff has me second guessing myself. I know I can't live my life in fear, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that I have no control over any of it. I almost lost my husband and my babies. Well, they almost lost me, and everyday I do everything in my power to make sure nothing will put us in that spot again.
As I sit here, 3 days before my oldest daughter's 10th birthday, I'm still not sure what happened. I know something, or someone, other than myself took control of the situation that day in September. I've never really been sure about whether or not I believe in God, but I can admit that it wasn't me that kept the truck from hitting the young girl crossing the road. And something, or someone, allowed me to come home to my family.
I may have been banged up pretty good, but it was nothing compared to what could have happened. I'm just so thankful, every day, to be here to see the faces of the ones I cherish and the ones I would walk through fire for. I guess my guardian star was watching me that day.