Shrieking Metal and Gaurdian Stars

In late September, I totaled my husband's pickup truck by sliding off the road and hitting a tree. I don't think I've ever experienced anything as scary as that in my entire life. I was driving around a curve in the road when I came upon a stopped school bus. It was the end of the school day and children were getting off to head home. I hit the brakes, but because my feet were wet from walking through a puddle earlier (it had been raining), my foot slipped of the pedal. I hit them again, a bit too hard, and everything locked up. Instinct took over and the wheel turned to the right, towards the woods, instead of towards the young girl crossing the road to my left.

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes? Well, it kind of does. The image of my children burned bright as the truck spun around and slid closer to the tree. I remember screaming and closing my eyes just before the impact. My last thought was of the baby I'd just had, not even two full months earlier. It just wasn't fair.

I still don't know which sound was worse; the metal shrieking as the driver side door wrapped around the tree, or the glass shattering as both the driver side window and windshield popped. Even now, 2 months later, I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. Nightmares are a nightly occurrence.

I have yet to find a doctor that is willing to help find a medicine to control my anxiety attacks. I have a hard time driving, and even normal everyday stuff has me second guessing myself. I know I can't live my life in fear, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that I have no control over any of it. I almost lost my husband and my babies. Well, they almost lost me, and everyday I do everything in my power to make sure nothing will put us in that spot again.

As I sit here, 3 days before my oldest daughter's 10th birthday, I'm still not sure what happened. I know something, or someone, other than myself took control of the situation that day in September. I've never really been sure about whether or not I believe in God, but I can admit that it wasn't me that kept the truck from hitting the young girl crossing the road. And something, or someone, allowed me to come home to my family.

I may have been banged up pretty good, but it was nothing compared to what could have happened. I'm just so thankful, every day, to be here to see the faces of the ones I cherish and the ones I would walk through fire for. I guess my guardian star was watching me that day.

Oh my, Where has the time gone?

If you haven't noticed yet, I don't get much time to post here. I think about it a lot, and I keep a journal to jot stuff down in when I feel like posting, but it never makes it to the actual blog. Now that I get to play housewife and stay at home mom for the next year, I might have some more time on my hands. Maybe.

To start with, here's a picture of our newest addition:

Rex Eachann Brown was born on Aug. 5th at 11:16 am. He weighed in at 9 lbs 6 oz. and was 22 inches long.

He's a little over a month old now and is starting to recognize his momma and daddy. We're still big 'ol blurs at this point, but he can tell which one of us is closest to him. Especially when it's me. I swear he can smell me anytime I'm near because he'll start suckin' on his pacifier like he's about to starve :-)

I can't tell you how many "rejects" I snapped before I got one of all three of my children looking towards the camera:

Emotional Issues

Every few months or so, I seem to have some sort of emotional breakdown. It generally builds up over time and then I'm left trying to figure out what the hell just hit me. Today, for instance, is one of those days. My husband is a hunter. I hunt occasionally, when I can get out, or when I'm not pregnant (which is never going to be the case, or so it seems).

The reason I mention my husband's love for hunting, is that he goes out nearly every day. Sometimes only for an hour, sometimes a few hours. And occasionally, most of the day. I generally don't have a problem with his hobby, given the fact that it fills our freezer up with fresh meat (meat that I don't have to pay an arm and leg for).

However, I envy his time alone, doing what he enjoys. I often wish I could get out of the house by myself and do whatever it is that I want, but that is not the case. If I want to go do something, I have to take the baby with me. My only alone time is spent grocery shopping, or running errands. Now, don't get me wrong, I love our little girl. She is a huge bright spot in my life, along with her sister. But, I need some me time.

My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see it that way. I wish he understood. I really do. On days like today when I wish I could just get out of the house and go to the library, call up a friend and go out for a bit. Or even just go to a park and watch the birds. Something that doesn't involve taking care of anyone else.

The other thing  that seems to get to me, is the fact that we don't do much. We are at home all the time. Granted, we live in a very small town, and don't have much spending money. It still gets to me though. I'm even cool with having a trip to Wal-Mart as quality time. Trouble is, when I suggest it, I hear "Take the baby with you, I was gonna go huntin'." Sigh.

It's times like these that I wish we lived closer to our families. I know, on any given day, there would be someone willing to take a ride with me, or just come and hang out. Lack of visitors is another one of my ongoing issues...I'll spare you the complaints, so no worries.

Life keeps getting in the way...

When I started this blog, I thought I would have so much more time to add to it. I often need to get something off my chest, or just talk to someone about something, so this blog seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. So far, I am failing miserably. In my defense, though, it's been incredibly busy since my last post.

I decided to go back to school to get my license in Practical Nursing. Classes have been super fun so far and I'm looking forward to being able to apply to the nursing program next Spring. Why next Spring, you ask? Well, technically, after I finish this quarter and the next one, I would be eligible to apply to the program this coming Fall. 

However, since my last post, my husband and I have been successful in creating another baby. So, since the baby is due in Aug. (and my school is switching to semesters instead of quarters in the Fall) I'll need to take a few months off and raise a yougin'. That means the next opportunity to apply for the program would be in the Spring.

Am I excited about the 'bun in the oven'? Oh yes, very much so. Nervous? YOU BET. Emily will be 10 months old this month and I'm still getting used to having a baby in the house. And soon there will be two of them!! Naturally, we'd like to have a boy. But, considering all the problems we had with Emily's pregnancy, I'll be pleased either way, just as long as we're both healthy and make it through ok.

On top of school and the new baby coming, we've been looking for a house to buy. What a pain! Fortunately, we both want the same type of house, so it's just a matter of finding it. We've found a few like it, but they're so far away from where we currently live. That also means they're nowhere close to the only friend I have in this town. I'll have to start all over again. Ugh.

I'm hoping to be able to update this a bit more often than I have been. But, forgive me if life gets in the way again. It tends to happen a lot around here.