Emotional Issues

Every few months or so, I seem to have some sort of emotional breakdown. It generally builds up over time and then I'm left trying to figure out what the hell just hit me. Today, for instance, is one of those days. My husband is a hunter. I hunt occasionally, when I can get out, or when I'm not pregnant (which is never going to be the case, or so it seems).

The reason I mention my husband's love for hunting, is that he goes out nearly every day. Sometimes only for an hour, sometimes a few hours. And occasionally, most of the day. I generally don't have a problem with his hobby, given the fact that it fills our freezer up with fresh meat (meat that I don't have to pay an arm and leg for).

However, I envy his time alone, doing what he enjoys. I often wish I could get out of the house by myself and do whatever it is that I want, but that is not the case. If I want to go do something, I have to take the baby with me. My only alone time is spent grocery shopping, or running errands. Now, don't get me wrong, I love our little girl. She is a huge bright spot in my life, along with her sister. But, I need some me time.

My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see it that way. I wish he understood. I really do. On days like today when I wish I could just get out of the house and go to the library, call up a friend and go out for a bit. Or even just go to a park and watch the birds. Something that doesn't involve taking care of anyone else.

The other thing  that seems to get to me, is the fact that we don't do much. We are at home all the time. Granted, we live in a very small town, and don't have much spending money. It still gets to me though. I'm even cool with having a trip to Wal-Mart as quality time. Trouble is, when I suggest it, I hear "Take the baby with you, I was gonna go huntin'." Sigh.

It's times like these that I wish we lived closer to our families. I know, on any given day, there would be someone willing to take a ride with me, or just come and hang out. Lack of visitors is another one of my ongoing issues...I'll spare you the complaints, so no worries.

Life keeps getting in the way...

When I started this blog, I thought I would have so much more time to add to it. I often need to get something off my chest, or just talk to someone about something, so this blog seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. So far, I am failing miserably. In my defense, though, it's been incredibly busy since my last post.

I decided to go back to school to get my license in Practical Nursing. Classes have been super fun so far and I'm looking forward to being able to apply to the nursing program next Spring. Why next Spring, you ask? Well, technically, after I finish this quarter and the next one, I would be eligible to apply to the program this coming Fall. 

However, since my last post, my husband and I have been successful in creating another baby. So, since the baby is due in Aug. (and my school is switching to semesters instead of quarters in the Fall) I'll need to take a few months off and raise a yougin'. That means the next opportunity to apply for the program would be in the Spring.

Am I excited about the 'bun in the oven'? Oh yes, very much so. Nervous? YOU BET. Emily will be 10 months old this month and I'm still getting used to having a baby in the house. And soon there will be two of them!! Naturally, we'd like to have a boy. But, considering all the problems we had with Emily's pregnancy, I'll be pleased either way, just as long as we're both healthy and make it through ok.

On top of school and the new baby coming, we've been looking for a house to buy. What a pain! Fortunately, we both want the same type of house, so it's just a matter of finding it. We've found a few like it, but they're so far away from where we currently live. That also means they're nowhere close to the only friend I have in this town. I'll have to start all over again. Ugh.

I'm hoping to be able to update this a bit more often than I have been. But, forgive me if life gets in the way again. It tends to happen a lot around here.

We might be a little bit crazy...

Our youngest daughter was born less than seven months ago. The pregnancy was a hard one. I went to the emergency room three times during the first trimester, due to heavy bleeding. All they could tell me was that my uterus was the source of the blood. There was no explanation as to what was happening and why.

Less than halfway through the pregnancy, I was placed on the "high risk" list. I had to become more aware of everything I was doing, eating and so on. Ultrasounds were done at every visit by this point.

When test results came back positive for Trisomy 18 (Edward's syndrome), we made a trip to Augusta, GA to see a Perinatal specialist and have an amniocentesis done. After a mind numbing week of waiting, the results came back crystal clear: our baby was perfectly fine.

Labor was mostly uneventful, until a second does of Stadol caused the baby's heart rate to drastically spike and then drop. During delivery, it was discovered that the umbilical cord had been wrapped around her neck. Twice.

Despite all of the crazy things we've been through, we're ready to do it again. (I think)

We might be a little bit crazy, but we are officially trying for another baby. We have decided that now is a much better time to do it, rather than waiting until I am finished with school. Not to mention, with all of the problems we had before, we want to do it before it's too late.

So, here's to hoping that we're not getting into anything too far over our heads. Wish us lock and think BLUE thoughts!

It doesn't hurt anymore

Seven years ago (today), I had a D&C to remove the baby boy I'd lost. The pregnancy had come as a major surprise, but was amazing, nonetheless. I was around 15 weeks pregnant and had started spotting around lunch time. I called my doc and was told to take it easy for a day or two and if things changed, to give him another call.

By that night, the bleeding was much worse. A second call to my doc resulted in a trip to the Emergency Room. As I waited for the ER doc to come back into the room to tell me what was happening, I stared at the clock. It seemed like hours before he finally walked through the door. The look on his face told me it was bad news. He explained to me that I was having a miscarriage. Not that I had had one, but was having one. It was not yet completed. I begged him to do something to stop it, to make things better. According to him, there was nothing to be done and it would be a few hours before it would finally be complete.

He spent the next several minutes reassuring me that this was not my fault, that things like this happen all the time and I should understand that my body had a way of knowing that it was not ready to go through birth again. I went home that night and cried for hours. Naturally, I did not sleep a bit. I was losing my baby. He wasn't gone yet, but as I lay in bed, he was dying. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it.

Two days later, I walked back into the ER for the D&C that had been scheduled during my conversation with the ER doc. My mother was with me as I checked in and stayed with me until they took me to the Operating Room. The procedure, I am told, went just as expected. Recovery would be minimal, a day in bed, then light duty the next day.

As I lay in the bed, just after surgery, I felt empty. He was gone. They had taken him from me. For a moment, I thought I heard someone else in the room with me. It sounded like someone told me "He's ok now, you don't have to worry". I looked around, but never saw anyone. I closed my eyes and cried.

Since then, this day has been a painful one for me. Until this year, that is. Today, I feel no pain. As I watch my two little girls laughing and playing together, I realize that I have something a lot of people wish they had. I now know, that I wasn't ready for another baby seven years ago.

So even though I remember the pain losing Joshua caused, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Product Review- Klever Koncept

I'm not sure I'll do this too often, but I had the opportunity to review a new product, so I jumped on it. Here are my thoughts. You can let me know in the comments if this makes me too much of a sell-out or not :-)

The other day, while I was catching up on my outdoorsy type news on a hunting site I post in regularly, I was contacted by another one of the forum members. He designed a handy new product and wanted to know if I'd be interested in trying it out. I asked him for some more info and he told me it's a new design on an old, commonly used product. Seeing as how I'm not your average girl (I hunt, fish and do all sorts of not very girly things) I decided to help him out.

The product is called Klever Koncept, and it's a safer version of a box cutter. He offered to send me one, free of charge, in exchange for spreading the word. If I liked it, of course.

I received the Klever Koncept in the mail this afternoon, and have already used it a few times. It's a very handy tool, indeed. Normally, I have my pocket knife on me at all times, but just to make sure I wouldn't reach for it out of habit, I stuck it in my purse. I want to make sure this little tool can do all it claims to be able to do. So far, it does.

It's pretty light, so you don't have to worry about balancing an awkward amount of weight in your hand while using a sharp blade. There are safety edges on the blades as well, to help protect your fingers (and anything else that could end up in the blade's way!) True story: many years ago, while slicing open some moving boxes, I ran a box cutter through some tape (going towards my leg instead of away from it) and wouldn't you know it, the darn thing slid right off the edge of the box and right into my thigh! Man that hurt. It also happens, that I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans...

They're very inexpensive and so far, a great tool to have on hand. You can check them out here. Thanks guys, for sending me this neat Klever Koncept! Now I don't have to worry about ruining any more jeans, or you know, cutting myself!

Recovery

On Tuesday, Sept. 28th, I had surgery on my ear. This is what my head looked like after the surgery. Fortunately, they took the bandages off the day after. It was a rough night.

The technical term for the procedure is Tympanoplasty with Mastoidectomy. What does that mean, you ask? They replaced my eardrum (tympanoplasty) and removed a small cyst from my ear canal (mastoidectomy). The end result is supposed to be amazing. I say 'supposed to be' because we are still a while away from the actual result. It's going to take a few weeks for everything to completely heal up. And at least 2 months before I regain all the feeling in my ear.

The surgeon, according to my husband, seemed a bit surprised when he actually got into my ear. He had noticed the scar tissue from the previous surgery (did I tell you that I've had this done before? I have. It didn't work.) on prior visits to his office, but did not realize there was so much of it. Because of this, he had to remove a lot more tissue than planned, but it was all taken care of.

The doctor is an expert at what he does. He's won awards and patients fly in from all over the country to see him. He's good. He's so good, that they invite him to speak and teach at conferences all over the country as well. Because of this, every patient ends up being "research". He takes pictures of the entire procedure, and makes sure you have copies when everything is said and done. Yep, I have copies of the bloody mess inside of my ear. Yuck. Before you decide not to finish reading, I won't be posting them. They're yucky.

So far, the week after the surgery has been a painful one. I expected as much. What I didn't expect, though, was for the antibiotics to make me so dizzy and sick. After calling the doc, I was assured that it was normal, he prescribed some pretty heavy medicines to make sure we don't run into any infections. At least I have some pretty strong painkillers to help me deal with the pain, I would be a complete mess without them.

I have already noticed an increase in my hearing on that side. It's amazing. Annoying too. I'm not used to everything being so loud. I hope that changes soon. By the end of the night, I'm going on noise overload and want to cry.

Also, I start school tonight. I really want to wear my hair down to cover my freaky looking ear, but I hate when it hangs down in my face. So I suppose I'll just point it out and explain the situation real quick so everyone can have their stares and be done with it. It'll make for a less awkward few hours in class.

Wish me luck!

Surgery

On Monday, August 27th, I have to check in at the hospital in Augusta, GA for my surgery Tuesday morning. I will be there through Wednesday, the 29th.  I've had problems with my right ear for many, many years and I'm finally going to have it taken care of. And I'm nervous as all get out. It's a fairly routine procedure, according to the doctor I met with last week. He assured me that he's done thousands of these operations and could do them with his eyes closed (hope he doesn't start with me!).

Surgery, in itself, tends to make me more uptight than it used to. I have children to look after now. What if something happens during the procedure? Am I going to be able to take care of them? Am I going to be around to take care of them? All of this flashes through my brain every second of every day leading up to the surgery.

My husband,  is constantly trying to get me to "chill out" about the whole thing, but it's hard. I have dealt with so much pain and general crap associated with having a hole in my eardrum, that I'm almost used to it. And, in a way, I might be willing to deal with it if it means not having to have parts of my head cut open. That sounds kinda silly, but that's how terrified I am.

The recovery process, according to the doc, is around 4 days. Much shorter than my previous encounter with this type of surgery. I was laid out for close to a month then. I can deal with a few days. I sure hope Rob can. I won't be able to do much more than look pitiful and moan about how I wish I had never agreed to the whole thing, so he'll be in charge of raisin' the babies during that time. It should be interesting, to say the least.

The one thing that has me super excited about this procedure, as well as the expected outcome, is the fact that one day- I might finally be able to see things like this:

I think I just might be a little more willing to go through with it.