Shrieking Metal and Gaurdian Stars

In late September, I totaled my husband's pickup truck by sliding off the road and hitting a tree. I don't think I've ever experienced anything as scary as that in my entire life. I was driving around a curve in the road when I came upon a stopped school bus. It was the end of the school day and children were getting off to head home. I hit the brakes, but because my feet were wet from walking through a puddle earlier (it had been raining), my foot slipped of the pedal. I hit them again, a bit too hard, and everything locked up. Instinct took over and the wheel turned to the right, towards the woods, instead of towards the young girl crossing the road to my left.

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes? Well, it kind of does. The image of my children burned bright as the truck spun around and slid closer to the tree. I remember screaming and closing my eyes just before the impact. My last thought was of the baby I'd just had, not even two full months earlier. It just wasn't fair.

I still don't know which sound was worse; the metal shrieking as the driver side door wrapped around the tree, or the glass shattering as both the driver side window and windshield popped. Even now, 2 months later, I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. Nightmares are a nightly occurrence.

I have yet to find a doctor that is willing to help find a medicine to control my anxiety attacks. I have a hard time driving, and even normal everyday stuff has me second guessing myself. I know I can't live my life in fear, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that I have no control over any of it. I almost lost my husband and my babies. Well, they almost lost me, and everyday I do everything in my power to make sure nothing will put us in that spot again.

As I sit here, 3 days before my oldest daughter's 10th birthday, I'm still not sure what happened. I know something, or someone, other than myself took control of the situation that day in September. I've never really been sure about whether or not I believe in God, but I can admit that it wasn't me that kept the truck from hitting the young girl crossing the road. And something, or someone, allowed me to come home to my family.

I may have been banged up pretty good, but it was nothing compared to what could have happened. I'm just so thankful, every day, to be here to see the faces of the ones I cherish and the ones I would walk through fire for. I guess my guardian star was watching me that day.

Oh my, Where has the time gone?

If you haven't noticed yet, I don't get much time to post here. I think about it a lot, and I keep a journal to jot stuff down in when I feel like posting, but it never makes it to the actual blog. Now that I get to play housewife and stay at home mom for the next year, I might have some more time on my hands. Maybe.

To start with, here's a picture of our newest addition:

Rex Eachann Brown was born on Aug. 5th at 11:16 am. He weighed in at 9 lbs 6 oz. and was 22 inches long.

He's a little over a month old now and is starting to recognize his momma and daddy. We're still big 'ol blurs at this point, but he can tell which one of us is closest to him. Especially when it's me. I swear he can smell me anytime I'm near because he'll start suckin' on his pacifier like he's about to starve :-)

I can't tell you how many "rejects" I snapped before I got one of all three of my children looking towards the camera:

Emotional Issues

Every few months or so, I seem to have some sort of emotional breakdown. It generally builds up over time and then I'm left trying to figure out what the hell just hit me. Today, for instance, is one of those days. My husband is a hunter. I hunt occasionally, when I can get out, or when I'm not pregnant (which is never going to be the case, or so it seems).

The reason I mention my husband's love for hunting, is that he goes out nearly every day. Sometimes only for an hour, sometimes a few hours. And occasionally, most of the day. I generally don't have a problem with his hobby, given the fact that it fills our freezer up with fresh meat (meat that I don't have to pay an arm and leg for).

However, I envy his time alone, doing what he enjoys. I often wish I could get out of the house by myself and do whatever it is that I want, but that is not the case. If I want to go do something, I have to take the baby with me. My only alone time is spent grocery shopping, or running errands. Now, don't get me wrong, I love our little girl. She is a huge bright spot in my life, along with her sister. But, I need some me time.

My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see it that way. I wish he understood. I really do. On days like today when I wish I could just get out of the house and go to the library, call up a friend and go out for a bit. Or even just go to a park and watch the birds. Something that doesn't involve taking care of anyone else.

The other thing  that seems to get to me, is the fact that we don't do much. We are at home all the time. Granted, we live in a very small town, and don't have much spending money. It still gets to me though. I'm even cool with having a trip to Wal-Mart as quality time. Trouble is, when I suggest it, I hear "Take the baby with you, I was gonna go huntin'." Sigh.

It's times like these that I wish we lived closer to our families. I know, on any given day, there would be someone willing to take a ride with me, or just come and hang out. Lack of visitors is another one of my ongoing issues...I'll spare you the complaints, so no worries.

Life keeps getting in the way...

When I started this blog, I thought I would have so much more time to add to it. I often need to get something off my chest, or just talk to someone about something, so this blog seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. So far, I am failing miserably. In my defense, though, it's been incredibly busy since my last post.

I decided to go back to school to get my license in Practical Nursing. Classes have been super fun so far and I'm looking forward to being able to apply to the nursing program next Spring. Why next Spring, you ask? Well, technically, after I finish this quarter and the next one, I would be eligible to apply to the program this coming Fall. 

However, since my last post, my husband and I have been successful in creating another baby. So, since the baby is due in Aug. (and my school is switching to semesters instead of quarters in the Fall) I'll need to take a few months off and raise a yougin'. That means the next opportunity to apply for the program would be in the Spring.

Am I excited about the 'bun in the oven'? Oh yes, very much so. Nervous? YOU BET. Emily will be 10 months old this month and I'm still getting used to having a baby in the house. And soon there will be two of them!! Naturally, we'd like to have a boy. But, considering all the problems we had with Emily's pregnancy, I'll be pleased either way, just as long as we're both healthy and make it through ok.

On top of school and the new baby coming, we've been looking for a house to buy. What a pain! Fortunately, we both want the same type of house, so it's just a matter of finding it. We've found a few like it, but they're so far away from where we currently live. That also means they're nowhere close to the only friend I have in this town. I'll have to start all over again. Ugh.

I'm hoping to be able to update this a bit more often than I have been. But, forgive me if life gets in the way again. It tends to happen a lot around here.

We might be a little bit crazy...

Our youngest daughter was born less than seven months ago. The pregnancy was a hard one. I went to the emergency room three times during the first trimester, due to heavy bleeding. All they could tell me was that my uterus was the source of the blood. There was no explanation as to what was happening and why.

Less than halfway through the pregnancy, I was placed on the "high risk" list. I had to become more aware of everything I was doing, eating and so on. Ultrasounds were done at every visit by this point.

When test results came back positive for Trisomy 18 (Edward's syndrome), we made a trip to Augusta, GA to see a Perinatal specialist and have an amniocentesis done. After a mind numbing week of waiting, the results came back crystal clear: our baby was perfectly fine.

Labor was mostly uneventful, until a second does of Stadol caused the baby's heart rate to drastically spike and then drop. During delivery, it was discovered that the umbilical cord had been wrapped around her neck. Twice.

Despite all of the crazy things we've been through, we're ready to do it again. (I think)

We might be a little bit crazy, but we are officially trying for another baby. We have decided that now is a much better time to do it, rather than waiting until I am finished with school. Not to mention, with all of the problems we had before, we want to do it before it's too late.

So, here's to hoping that we're not getting into anything too far over our heads. Wish us lock and think BLUE thoughts!

It doesn't hurt anymore

Seven years ago (today), I had a D&C to remove the baby boy I'd lost. The pregnancy had come as a major surprise, but was amazing, nonetheless. I was around 15 weeks pregnant and had started spotting around lunch time. I called my doc and was told to take it easy for a day or two and if things changed, to give him another call.

By that night, the bleeding was much worse. A second call to my doc resulted in a trip to the Emergency Room. As I waited for the ER doc to come back into the room to tell me what was happening, I stared at the clock. It seemed like hours before he finally walked through the door. The look on his face told me it was bad news. He explained to me that I was having a miscarriage. Not that I had had one, but was having one. It was not yet completed. I begged him to do something to stop it, to make things better. According to him, there was nothing to be done and it would be a few hours before it would finally be complete.

He spent the next several minutes reassuring me that this was not my fault, that things like this happen all the time and I should understand that my body had a way of knowing that it was not ready to go through birth again. I went home that night and cried for hours. Naturally, I did not sleep a bit. I was losing my baby. He wasn't gone yet, but as I lay in bed, he was dying. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it.

Two days later, I walked back into the ER for the D&C that had been scheduled during my conversation with the ER doc. My mother was with me as I checked in and stayed with me until they took me to the Operating Room. The procedure, I am told, went just as expected. Recovery would be minimal, a day in bed, then light duty the next day.

As I lay in the bed, just after surgery, I felt empty. He was gone. They had taken him from me. For a moment, I thought I heard someone else in the room with me. It sounded like someone told me "He's ok now, you don't have to worry". I looked around, but never saw anyone. I closed my eyes and cried.

Since then, this day has been a painful one for me. Until this year, that is. Today, I feel no pain. As I watch my two little girls laughing and playing together, I realize that I have something a lot of people wish they had. I now know, that I wasn't ready for another baby seven years ago.

So even though I remember the pain losing Joshua caused, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Product Review- Klever Koncept

I'm not sure I'll do this too often, but I had the opportunity to review a new product, so I jumped on it. Here are my thoughts. You can let me know in the comments if this makes me too much of a sell-out or not :-)

The other day, while I was catching up on my outdoorsy type news on a hunting site I post in regularly, I was contacted by another one of the forum members. He designed a handy new product and wanted to know if I'd be interested in trying it out. I asked him for some more info and he told me it's a new design on an old, commonly used product. Seeing as how I'm not your average girl (I hunt, fish and do all sorts of not very girly things) I decided to help him out.

The product is called Klever Koncept, and it's a safer version of a box cutter. He offered to send me one, free of charge, in exchange for spreading the word. If I liked it, of course.

I received the Klever Koncept in the mail this afternoon, and have already used it a few times. It's a very handy tool, indeed. Normally, I have my pocket knife on me at all times, but just to make sure I wouldn't reach for it out of habit, I stuck it in my purse. I want to make sure this little tool can do all it claims to be able to do. So far, it does.

It's pretty light, so you don't have to worry about balancing an awkward amount of weight in your hand while using a sharp blade. There are safety edges on the blades as well, to help protect your fingers (and anything else that could end up in the blade's way!) True story: many years ago, while slicing open some moving boxes, I ran a box cutter through some tape (going towards my leg instead of away from it) and wouldn't you know it, the darn thing slid right off the edge of the box and right into my thigh! Man that hurt. It also happens, that I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans...

They're very inexpensive and so far, a great tool to have on hand. You can check them out here. Thanks guys, for sending me this neat Klever Koncept! Now I don't have to worry about ruining any more jeans, or you know, cutting myself!